


finding solace in the starlight (hold my hand and I’ll give you the world)

by rainbow_porcupine_ninja



Series: lying about me and you [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur loves him anyway rip, Gwaine gets WHUMPED, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Merlin makes bad decisions, OP has made mistakes and intends to patch them up with MORE mistakes, Requited Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-01 12:11:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20814947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbow_porcupine_ninja/pseuds/rainbow_porcupine_ninja
Summary: It isn’t easy to love Arthur; he pushes Merlin around, throws things at him, hurls abuse. He’s a prat, and a rude one too.But then again it’s easy to love him too; his grumpy good mornings, that face he makes when Merlin insists on coming along, the soft smile when seated by the fireplace at nighttime. His expression when riding into battle, the gentle kindness with children. Merlin could write poems, transcripts that fill up the castle, containing all of the things he loves about Arthur.If Merlin could take all of the things he’s done back he could, but the ink that’s spilled over both of their hearts can’t be washed out, no matter what aching it causes.





	finding solace in the starlight (hold my hand and I’ll give you the world)

**Author's Note:**

> *offkey kazoo* you thought it was over. Ha.
> 
> I did my best to patch up my mistake from my last fanfic of making a total of 4 people including myself cry by accidentally creating an entire series and writing more angst! But at least people know it’s requited angst. I feel like that’s the best/worst kind of angst.

Merlin isn’t sleeping much anymore. He thinks Arthur’s noticed the baggy eyes and dissociation that’s common in the mornings. He’s always getting Merlin dismissed early, trying to usher him into bed. 

Little does Arthur know that this hardly helps, no matter how well-meaning it is. It’s not that Merlin doesn’t have time to sleep. It’s that he can’t. 

The aching that comes when he sees Arthur is both physical and mental agony every day. It’s not anything to do with their magical bond (the two halves of the same coin baloney that Kilgharrah rambles  _ on  _ and _ on _ about) or the amount of work Merlin has to do every day. It’s that every time he sees Arthur he freezes up, panicking about possible threats to Arthur’s life, Morgana, Mordred, every possible thing that could go wrong. 

It isn’t easy to be around Arthur; he’s like the sun, too bright, too big. 

It isn’t easy to love Arthur either; he pushes Merlin around, throws things at him, hurls abuse. He’s a prat, and a rude one too.

But then again it’s easy to love him too; his grumpy good mornings, that face he makes when Merlin insists on coming along, the soft smile when seated by the fireplace at nighttime. His expression when riding into battle, the gentle kindness with children. Merlin could write poems, transcripts that fill up the castle, describing all of the things he loves about Arthur.

It’s easy for Merlin to admit that he’s made a mistake. He’s tried to make this situation so that Arthur hurts the least, but it is hard to ignore the wounded expression on his king’s face every time Merlin leaves the room. 

If Merlin could take all of the things he’s done back he could, but the ink that’s spilled over both of their hearts can’t be washed out, no matter what aching it causes. 

His first mistake was ever letting Arthur kiss him because he’s the king of Camelot and it would only ever end in misery, they both know this. Letting Arthur take him onto his feather-soft bed was the easiest thing Merlin’s ever done, but it’s going to take eons for Merlin to stop regretting. Every time Merlin breathes he can feel Arthur’s nails scratching his back, his sighs, the wild look in his eyes when Merlin reached down, down, down, and it’s  _ killing _ him because he’s never wanted anything so badly in his life.

So when Gwaine offers, Merlin doesn’t refuse. 

He lets Gwaine take him into his room and take off his clothes, lets Gwaine hold his hand and smile at him and fuck him while they’re on a hunting trip, and, well. Merlin hates himself because it’s not fair on purehearted, lovely Gwaine and it’s not fair on himself, and it’s not fair on Arthur.

But Arthur has a population to take care of, a queen, a crown, and a castle. Merlin could be his king’s lionheart, but at what cost?

No matter how hard Merlin wants to scrub and wipe at the canvas that is Merlin and Arthur, the ink will never stop dripping and there are still stains that will never be scrubbed out. Arthur isn’t speaking to Merlin anymore, just with grunts and haughty silence. Merlin knows his king is hurting, and desperately wants to heal him. There’s something beautifully depressing about the silence that follows a heavy storm.

So Merlin carries on, tells Gwaine gently that he deserves someone who can give him something beautiful, Gwaine smiles and tells him to reach out to Arthur, and Merlin cries for a week. Then he keeps moving. 

There’s nothing to do except hope that Arthur will heal and carry on without him. Arthur needs to; he deserves more than a gangly manservant who is lying to him about everything. 

Arthur’s beautiful and noble and kind, and Merlin wants to crash into the sun, but he’s only the moon, small and just a reflection in the cold, empty water. Arthur is too much, Merlin not enough, so Merlin folds Arthur’s clothes, wakes him up, writes his speeches, and prays that in some beautiful universe he makes the wrong decision.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, you read this angsty bullshit? Gold star.
> 
> Cry with me on tumblr @arthurlervesmerlin and let me know what you thought in the comments; like literally if all you say is a keysmash I will give you my firstborn child.
> 
> Also if you want me to write something else for this series (I already have plans, don’t worry, but I always love to hear what y’all think), like someone’s POV or something, tell me and I will Try My Best!


End file.
